TWO INVITATIONS

Written By: Laurie Rubin

Before my Bat Mitzvah in 1991, there were several preparations that needed to be made. My mother and I spent a better part of the year making arrangements. We planned the menu with the caterer, we went shopping for the perfect dress, we organized people into tables based on who they knew, who they'd get along with, etc.

Though we spent a majority of our time and energy planning the celebration itself, one of the most significant things for us to do was to create the invitations. This would be the first thing people would see. It would be a glimpse of what was to come, the hard work I had done to learn the prayers and lead a service, my first step into womanhood, and a heck of a party we were going to have afterwards.

We hired a calligrapher who spent lots of time explaining the different invitations and their backgrounds. Once we had settled on one, she began to write out what we wanted printed on the invitation. With tremendous skill and detail, she turned the words into art, and the simple sentence, "You are invited to the Bat Mitzvah of our daughter Laurie Gale" took on a colorful and rich meaning.

It is now 15 years later, and today, I received an interesting phone call from my mother. She informed me that my second cousin was about to be Bar Mitzvahed, and that we were invited to the celebration. The invitation read, "To Lilly Rubin and Guest, Brian Rubin and Guest, and Laurie Rubin". I was taken aback by what I had just heard. My mother had been invited with a guest as she was now divorced and expected to be dating; my older brother was invited with a guest. Yet I, almost 30, was not expected to bring a guest. Oh sure, if I had mentioned I would indeed be bringing a guest to the parents of the Bar Mitzvah, they would have been happy to welcome them. However, the initial assumption that nobody would be attending with me, and that I would simply be joining my other coupled family members was like a glass of ice cold water being splashed on my face.

I now had tangible proof on paper of something I had always suspected, that I as a blind woman I am not seen as a viable mate. My acquaintances and relatives would not think to set me up with their dear friend's single child. Believe you me, I was always happy to be exempt from such an uncomfortable exchange. Being forced on a blind date with an equally unenthusiastic person never appealed to me. My poor brother got such a proposition from friends of my parents several times. Part of me felt invisible knowing I was never thought of as a woman who wanted to have a family and to care for a life partner.

I hear similar stories from other blind people. They often tell me that they have joined some on-line dating websites along with their sighted peers. They tell me they feel like magicians because as soon as the blindness is mentioned, their prospective matches perform the most incredible disappearing acts every time.

"Why is this so?" you may ask. "What is wrong with a blind partner?"

My answer is in between the lines of two invitations. The fancy curlicues of the writing, the satin finish of the paper, the words, "You are invited to our daughter, Laurie Gale's Bat Mitzvah" made me feel my budding womanhood, my growing interest in loving someone, in noticing my own body and mind flourishing. The possibilities in life seemed endless. I also really enjoyed picking out the invitation and deciding its style because though I can't see, my understanding of things that are visual makes me feel creative, and helps me express who I am. It is also the side of me that made me become a jewelry designer, and someone who loves to play with make-up and shop for funky clothes.

Those who know me admired the calligraphy. The people who understand me realize that I and other blind people are great friends, great at our fields of expertise, have a lot to contribute in life, and that we would make great life partners.

As I went through the difficult years of high school, I ran into a lot of people who subscribed to the likes of the invitation I received today where Laurie Rubin, sans guest, was invited to a celebration where it is expected that everyone else would be bringing their significant others. People expect their partners to take care of them physically as well as emotionally. Their image of blindness is of the person they become when they're fumbling in the dark frantically for their glasses. They are not familiar with the blind person who is well seasoned, well traveled, and well adapted.

The juxtaposition of these two invitations carries over into the work place. In a twenty minute interview where the employer is so interested in a person who can best get the job done, all they often see in a blind applicant are the intimidating questions, "How will he use a computer? How will she get to work every day without being able to drive? How will he find his way around the office?"

One lady I know who is a social worker told us about the hard road she traveled when looking for her first social work job. She had gotten incredible grades in college, had gotten glowing recommendations from the people she worked for during her internship, and was really destined for a rewarding career. She said she would never forget her first interview which was very
uncomfortable. Because of her social worker's intuition and talent for putting people at ease, she gently confronted her interviewer as she could tell he had some discomfort with her. At that moment, she said she heard the sound of his leather chair as he readjusted, deciding how he was going to put what was on his mind. After a pause, he said, "I' not sure how you will fit in around here. How will you even find the bathroom?"

So here was this poised young woman, ready for success, and all the prospective employer could see was a blind person. She has since found many wonderful positions, is happily married, and has a teenaged son.

As a jewelry designer, classical singer, and writer who happens to be blind, it is my job to provide people with a multi-faceted image of a blind person. It is my pleasure to educate people one by one as they see me walking independently with my guide dog and do mundane things in my every day life that they would never expect from a blind person. It is my privilege to have been born blind so I can feel the joy of seeing the lights go on in people's heads as they get to know me as a person in my work life and personal life so that I can make things easier for those in my situation who will come after me.

Preparing the invitations for my Bat Mitzvah that I would send out to the guests was full of that same creative energy I want to send out to the world in expressing myself as an individual who is so much more than blind. With more invitations like mine being sent out, I think we will see fewer and fewer of the kind I received today.

While on the phone, my mom and I had a good laugh as we do over many little things in life. She pointed out how ironic it is the two unattached people, my mother and brother, were invited with guests, and that I who am living with my life partner was invited without a guest. The most important thing in life is to be able to laugh at something like this invitation, to have a wonderful sense of humor about yourself, and to enjoy life with all the stuff it brings you.